The Day My Life Changed
On new year’s eve, 2008, my whole life changed.
Like an iceberg, we often only see the tip of our lives. We don’t see what’s really happening beneath the surface because we’re not looking there. I thought I was ok for years but the truth was I was spiraling out of control in my life.
Going out for new years eve that night, I couldn’t find a single pair of pants that fit me. I sat on the edge of my bed looking down at all the pants scattered across my feet and couldn’t believe it. How did I not see this coming? How could I have done this to myself? That night, I was in my head the whole night knowing a safety pin was the only thing holding my black pants up. The truth was, I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened and the more I engaged with the feeling of it, the truth continued to blossom and unfold.
This is where I hit my heaviest ever just two years ago after yo yo dieting for years
I was the heaviest I had ever been and didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I realized that the way I had been living, all my choices and who I was being, wasn’t giving me the life I truly wanted for myself. And it took me getting to the point of intolerance with myself for me to see the whole iceberg.
I knew that I could continue doing what I was doing in my life and get the same results or I could do it all differently and create something new. That day, I slipped on a bracelet that was lying on the bathroom counter, I looked in the mirror and told myself that this is it. I won’t go farther down, I will go farther forward. I won’t loathe myself, I will love myself like never before. I won’t simply exist, I would really live this time.
The first year I started working out
I was a cardio queen for most of that whole first year I started my health and fitness journey. There was something in me calling me to the weight room. It somehow felt like the next step. I saw these strong women lifting and I wanted to feel that too. I was ready for it, yet, as I stood at the line separating the carpeted cardio room from the rubber weight area, that line stopped me. I started doubting myself. What if I looked dumb and didn’t know how to lift? What would others think about me? Would I be able to really do this? Could I really be that girl?
I got on the treadmill, created a runner’s high and started self-talking myself up. I concluded that all I had to do to get over that line and start lifting was to:
- put a fierce face on and be that woman, to harness what’s within me and embody it now
- and take one step forward, into that plane of being
In that moment these two words came to me: Fierce Forward.
I got off the treadmill and as I approached the line on the floor, I kept saying, “Fierce Forward, Fierce Forward, Fierce Forward.”
That day, I picked up my first set of weights, put down my fear and caring what anyone else thought about me, and stepped into this part of me that was ready to emerge. And it did.
I lost 40 pounds, left my job as a personal banker and became a personal trainer and got picked up as a spokesmodel by Bodybuilding.com. I started sharing my story of how I changed my life on stage speaking to hundreds of people. I found my passion and started a facebook page to help others. Health and fitness was more than just losing weight to me, it was my path to moving fiercely forward in my life. It was the thing that empowered me. The thing that lifted me up and propelled me to new heights in my life and within myself as a person. The thing that grounded me and created a strong, rooted foundation to be able to roll with the punches of life and move forward no matter what. This thing I had not found in anyone else or anything else. I found it through the service of myself.
It was my anchor.
My journey of yo yo dieting and losing my anchor
Over the next two years I started competing in local fitness and bikini competitions. I didn’t know exactly what I was doing when it came to taking my body to a competitive level and got advice from someone to omit carbohydrates from my diet. I didn’t know it at the time but would later find out that this would be the thing that derailed me completely from my health and fitness. After a year of hardcore-dieting, my body had enough. I started gaining weight and I was mentally and physically burned out.
Over the next 8 years I yo-yo dieted and tried to regain my love of fitness and lose weight but I would never stick with the process. It was no longer as “easy” as it was when I did it the first time so when I didn’t see results fast enough I would go back to only focusing on my business and what made me feel good in the short term. I was waiting for a magic moment of motivation to cast its rays on me and spark my health and fitness comeback but it never came.
Coming Full Circle
Who do I want to be? How do I want to live? How will I Fierce Forward toward those answers? These are questions I recently started to ask myself. I’ve been riding the entrepreneur rollercoaster for 5 years now and I’ve realized what was missing…my anchor. I’m coming full circle back to making my health and fitness a priority in my life.
Because I know that ultimately I can’t rely on things outside of me for fulfillment. Just as it was that first year and remains now, when you love yourself, take care of yourself, do the things that fill you up…you become whole. And when you’re whole, you live in alignment with your heart and there’s nothing that feels better in my book.