Last week I shared the limiting belief I’ve been at war with for most of my life. The belief that I’m not enough. It’s something I don’t talk about much, not even with myself. Even typing this right now feels harder than if I were sharing about my favorite way to make a matcha latte’. But I’m going to keep moving forward because it’s what I need to do. Stand in my truth.
After I shared the post, a woman replied:
“I’m going to share a word with you that’s helped me with the same thing. Reconciliation. Feelings, beliefs, the past. They all need to be reconciled.” Blessings, Jody K.
I wanted to know more. I kept wondering, what does she mean, reconcile your past, your beliefs and your feelings. She must mean to make peace with them, but then, how do you make peace with them.
I wasn’t sure what it meant but I felt curious: how did she come to terms with herself, her limiting beliefs, her past…her pain.
I wish I could.
Over the weekend, I continued on as I normally would but I couldn’t stop thinking about reconciling what we’re at war with.
Why do I believe I’m not enough instead of the opposite?
Why have I let it hold me down and back for so much of my life?
What has been the cost of feeling this way about myself?
Where did it come from?
How do I reconcile my inner most demon?
Yesterday, I got really quiet. I can’t tell you what made me do it exactly just that I wasn’t feeling my normal masculine-push-forward-self and I wasn’t sure what was going on but knew I needed to just chill.
I sat down in my bedroom on my rainbow rug and listened to a guided meditation (by the amazing Suzanne Heyn) about opening your heart to heal. As she moved through the breath work, she invited me to feel what I’m feeling in my core.
She said, “What are you feeling in your heart?
And that’s when everything shifted. I started crying and feeling feelings I hadn’t felt in a while.
It was cathartic. Honest, true, authentic, deep down. To the core. And to not block it, but let it come out of me and to feel it all. I let it go and be what it needed to be:
connected to, released, accepted and moved.
Then I heard her gently say, “What is this feeling you’re feeling?”
And my mouth opened and I said without thinking: loss.
As she closed out the meditation, I sat there and took in what had been bottled up in me for so long.
Loss of friendships over the years. Loss of things I’ve built and had to let go of. Loss of women. Loss of connection to myself. Loss of Indiana, friends and family when we moved away from. Loss of the seasons I love so much. Loss of myself to building a business. Loss of my Leo. Loss of the parts of me I buried.
The fear of losing more. The possibility of the loss of existing from a place of never being enough to actually being enough. Gosh, what would that be like?
And this is life. And when we move forward, we have to let go of things that were meant for us then so that we can live aligned in what’s meant for us now. It’s apart of life and living and moving forward. And as much as I was feeling the pain of loss I had been holding onto for so many years, it taught me that just like this, I can’t heal until I deal.
and we have to feel to heal.
I think this is what Judy meant by reconciling. To make peace with where we’ve been, where we are and most importantly, who we are. To fully accept our feelings, our limiting beliefs, our past, our pain…that allows us to open in our fullest expression.
Just like a lotus grows through the mud. It doesn’t miss the step of slowing making its way up through the muck, it shifts, moves and carries it until it grows past it and through it and opens up. And it’s a part of the journey of the lotus, it’s not one that gets forgotten or pushed down never to be known…it is what makes the journey of the lotus so beautiful, is that it grows through mud to become something beautiful on the other side.
This is my Fierce Forward movement. It’s moving me forward through acceptance, healing and grace. And I’m fierce because I’m writing this, opening up and engaging in my truth. It’s hard and I’m doing it hard damnit because it’s right.
I want to write more, to be authentic in my journey and share it because I know there are hundreds of other women on the other side of this screen feeling how I did, how I am and even, on the other side of it. We are all one. Thank you for reading this and being here with me.
Have you taken time in your journey to heal?
I’d love to hear from you.